W

arning: This story includes details of traumatic birth that some readers may find distressing When Emma Carr fell pregnant in 2021, she had a vision for her ideal birth. At the most basic level, she wanted to feel empowered, listened to and in control. But, like many women, Carr’s vision went further than that. In particular, she hoped for a 'natural birth' – generally described as a vaginal delivery with as little medical intervention and pharmacological pain relief as possible. She followed two courses, including one popular approach known as 'hypnobirthing', which taught relaxation and breathing to help ease pain and help stay present during delivery. And, as her instructors recommended, she watched videos of healthy, happy, non-traumatic births to get her into the right mindset. "You watch all these videos of these babies being born, and it's so beautiful," says Carr, 36, who lives in London. “They come out really easily, and the woman grabs them, and you're just like, 'That's what'll happen to me'." But when Carr's water broke, the fluid contained meconium – the foetus' stool, which can be dangerous for mother and child. After she rushed to hospital, doctors told her they had to get the baby out immediately. Two hours later, she lay on the operating table under bright lights. Far from her ideal, intervention-free vaginal birth, her baby was born by caesarean section. Worst of all, she says, was how unprepared she felt for this kind of outcome, given how focused she had been – and had been encouraged to be in the courses she followed – on creating a positive mindset. "If I hadn't had in my head how it 'should' have gone, then I wouldn't feel like it was a failure," she says. "I just wish [my instructors] were a bit more open about how these births happen. That it doesn't always go right, just because you did hypnobirthing." While she was pregnant, Carr says friends tried to warn her she might not have the labour she was hoping for. But she dismissed them, thinking they probably hadn't gone in with the mindset or techniques she would. "People that you would normally listen to, you stop listening to, because you've got these other people in your head telling you birth should be natural and magical, and that your body is just perfectly designed to do it," she says. "But I don't think mine was." Many women do benefit from this approach to birth. Some even experience the ideal scenario that they hoped for. With the right techniques – like breathing, listening to affirmations or massage – some advocates say birth can be enjoyable, even orgasmic. But others, like Carr, are left reeling, and not only from a traumatic birth – they feel as if having been fixated on that vision, and not preparing for the many ways in which it might not happen, made their experience even worse.